The noise, the heat, the chaos, the lack of hygiene, the language barrier… I was trying to connect to something familiar but I could not find anything. I felt far. Far from everyone. Why did I leave that comfort that I had back in Canada? Than the anxiety started increasing as I realize what I had gotten myself into. I was in a poor part of the world and I would be getting sick and I had no one here. The down spiral started and I started to feel angry at myself for putting myself through this. So far from everyone. What the hell Val?? Why did you do this? Don’t you find that you had enough struggle this year?
I reach out to my phone and texted a good friend of mine who had travel a lot solo in similar parts of the world. Lucky me he was online and available to chat ( so grateful). We chatted about the culture shock. I had never experience this before. Not to that extend anyways. I was wishing for someone I knew to be with me. To reassure me.
In the last few weeks people have told me how courageous they found me. I never felt that courage I mostly felt that I was doing what felt right. But now I was starting to see a little bit what they were saying. But I guess the important message here is that despite the courage there are also moments like this. Moments of fear, of anxiety and of self-doubt. Moments of regrets.
Life had hit me with a couple good shots in the last 6 months and my resiliency was still in the process of being rebuild. Knowing that I was leaving alone, the doctor at the medical clinic suggested that I bring some stronger anxiety medication in case something comes up during my trip. A pill that would act fast to calm my nerves if needed. Well let’s just say I did not expect to need one that quick. Although pills are not normally my number one choice for assistance I thought to myself that the lack of sleep, the jet lag combine with the culture shock well that I could use some external help at this point. As I finish talking with Jordan on the phone I took my pill and than hung up shortly after with him. I am so happy he answered the phone. Going from ‘courage’ to an ‘anxiety pill’ how ironic!
A few minutes after hanging up with my friend someone arrive in the dormitory and we had a quick chat. He had travel quite a bit and felt the culture shock too when he arrived here 1 month ago. He said it took him one week to settle even if he had travel in other poor country before. That brought me peace. Maybe my reaction was normal. I closed my eyes and slept 3 hours.
The hostel had good reviews and their kitchen looked clean so I thought I would have my first meal Nepali meal here. No need to tell you that I order a vegetarian platter.