The Journey

Day 3 – Something inside of me broke

Energy is everywhere whatever we feel it or not

I was feeling a litte rough this morning. I think yesterday’s yoga class affected me more than I had realized. While doing the yoga class yesterday I felt the

tension my body had been holding for a long time was being easily release.

Yesterday’s class had been an easy flow where the focus was more on my breath  and less on my body. How ironic I thought. For the past few years I had tried to release that physical tension with the help of massotherapist, physiotherapist, osteopath and had eventually given up due to the small gain I was getting for all the money and time I was spending. It’s not that they were not good practitioner. No if anything I think they were great. But somehow it was like my body was not receptive to these treatments. And now there I was in Nepal waking up with a soft body without having even tried. I felt that I was going to discover and learn so much being here. And this was a great start! And a nice surprise!

THIS PLACE IS REALLY SPECIAL. THERE IS SOMETHING IN NEPAL. I CAN’T PUT MY FINGER ON IT BUT IT IS FOR SURE SPECIAL. 

I felt so energize. I guess it must take a lot for your body to always struggle with that tension. I mean we are incredible beings and we adapt but I am certain that the flow of energy was obstructed by all that tension and somehow now things could flow with more ease. More energy for me! For me to use it where I want to put my focus on without losing energy navigating all this tension! 

ENERGY CAN FLOW EASIER IN AN HEALTHY BODY

It’s ironic sometimes that you want to work on something and you can’t succeed and when you put your attention somewhere else well suddenly things start changing. Almost like if your mind was in the way. Almost like if all this time I was doing something wrong. Maybe it is not wrong for others but for me it’s like I had tap into the wrong approach all this time trying desperately to heal my body.

The conventional therapeutic approach was just not fitting me for some reason.

It took me a while to realize it but I finally got it!

I fell asleep really early last night thinking maybe it due to being jet lag. But this morning I understand why I was so tired last night. The energy at that yoga class was probably stronger than I had realized. I had received an energy session without realizing it. I had been expose to new forms of energy and found myself being open and receptive to it. I took it all in. Just like after you do a long run in the day you feel tired early at night I had found myself feeling the same way but it was after a deep yoga session. 

And just like after doing a long trail run the next morning you wake up feeling a little sore. When in my case I was waking up feeling a little sore but in all my ‘bodies’. My physical, emotional and spiritual self had all been affected by that yoga session. The deep sleep I had had probably helped me recover but this morning it was like everything was still adjusting. 

This morning I was waking up feeling a little vulnerable. Like if the stiffness that my body had been holding all this time was actually a wall. A muscle wall of stiffness that was subconsciously protecting me. And this morning that protection layer was gone. 

WITHOUT THAT PROTECTION I FELT OPEN AND VULNERABLE. 

So this morning at a hostel in Kathmandu in Nepal I found myself feeling suddenly more and more sad. It was day 3 and I felt that I was breaking. A profound, deep sadness was felt like deep in my heart. Why? I am finally feeling physically better and now feeling this emotions… why? What’s happening? I than remember a conversation I had with a great doctor not too long before I left:

Maybe a week before leaving Canada I went to a walk-in clinic at the University. It was exam time at the University and you could feel the tension in the medical clinic waiting room. People, mostly students, complaining of headaches, back pain and stomach issues. Not sure why but as I was sitting in the doctor’s office as he was writing me a prescription I asked him: Why do people’s problem manifest in a physical way when the cause is emotional or stress? The doctor answered: it’s because we deal better with physical pain. He put his pen down and he looked a me. He knew I was also a medical professional and I could feel this true conversation about to take place. A true conversation that happens when one of the caregiver had become a patient. Like if the room was filled with a deep empathy that connects two health professionals together. Because when you are in a field that help others and you become sick there is a special bound that forms between the caregiver and the care provider. Like if we are all from the ‘same family’ and have been there once or twice and we look after each other. 

I had told him I was leaving for Nepal and I am sure he could feel the quest I was on. He put his pen down, look down for a second than looked up to me and said; HUMANS DEAL BETTER WITH PHYSICAL PAIN THAN EMOTIONAL PAIN. A lot of people come to my clinic with physical pain but really the root cause is emotional. Physical pain is actually rare he said. Don’t get me wrong THE PHYSICAL PAIN IS REALLY REAL BUT IT IS RARELY THE CAUSE OF THE PAIN. Emotions are the cause. He than grabbed his pen and finished writing and wished me luck on my journey with a sudden adventurer smile. Like if I could feel the taste for travelling under the white coat. 

Back in Nepal and thinking about what he said I realize this was a good news. I COULD FEEL THE SADNESS. I was ready to feel what was underneath that tension. Feel the root cause; the emotion. There was no more need to protect that feeling with physical tension. I was okay to be vulnerable. Actually feeling this sadness did not make me vulnerable but made me feel stronger. That sadness was not a weakness that I was refusing to look at anymore. I was being truly honest with myself and opening up. The journey to being authentic had already started I thought. Be with it Val. Just be with it I thought. Don’t judge or try to understand it for now just let it out and it will pass. I trusted my inner voice and let the sadness be. I trusted that if I needed to know more about it that it would come to me but for now the priority was not there. Just be. Just let it be. That poor sadness as been hided and covered with tension for so long just let it come out. Feel it. (I had improve my self talk over the past years and was happy to see that I was doing well this morning with it. Being kind to myself).

The wave was slowly passing and I felt pretty proud of myself for letting things be as they were. Without trying to change or judge it. Just to let things be. 

As I am writing this post, (we often hear that writing is healing; well I see why now) the reason for my sadness is coming to me. This sadness was actually like if my ‘higher self’ like if part of me was sad that I had let myself down for the last little while in my life. That I had put others as a priority and slowly stopped putting myself first. It’s like part of my soul was sad. Not disappointed that would be the ego talking it was more like a profound sadness that one can let life and other people decide for oneself what is best for them. 

To look outside and not inside for guidance. 

That one can wait on others to guide their life despite the sadness that it brings. 

That one can feel that something is not right but decide to look the other way and ‘wait’ for things to get better

That one would not take the lead of her own journey in her own hands.

A sadness I knew I deserve to feel after I had let myself down a few times. Knowing it was there I had looked the other way for a while but now I was ready to look at it and accept what I had done for the past years. And mostly I was ready to move on from that life and put myself first and believe in myself. I know what I needed and to trust that inner voice of mine without comparing journey’s with other and not compare what a journey ‘should look like’. To embrace my path. It’s uniqueness and originality. So many people had told me before I left that my journey reminded them of the movie eat, pray, love! Yes that was similar.. but for me it was more like anxiety, yoga and discovery! haha for now anyways!

Letting things be. Here was a good lesson I thought that would probably serve me later on I thought. That it was okay for me to let my outside be in line with what I was feeling inside. To be one. To be synchronise, to be me 100%, To be me inside and out. 

I have been told many times before and during this trip:‘Val I hope you find what you are looking for’. I had felt that I was missing something in my life but how could I know what I was looking for when I did not know what I was missing? (clear as mud haha). 

haha all I know is that when I would find it only than I would know it was what I was looking for! 

I had felt a void and a deep need to go on a journey in Asia. And now only on day 3 I found one thing already. And I will for sure treasure it. And put that with me in my luggage wherever I go after this trip and never let that slip again. 

TO PUT MYSELF FIRST AND EMBRACE THIS UNIQUENESS OF THIS JOURNEY. BECAUSE THIS IS MY JOURNEY.

Because I am worth it. And so are you my dear friends. There is no shame in this. We grow, we experience life and we learn. We learn from pain. Let’s not look back at the ‘why‘ and ‘if‘ but instead embrace this powerful lesson and make today and tomorrow amazing! And let’s try to feel those painful emotions instead of building walls that distance us from others but also from ourselves. 

Before leaving Canada I hung out with this friend of mine that doesn’t seem to have a wall. I felt a different connection with him. Like if I could connect directly with him. With his source. With who he is. Truly. But without walls comes vulnerability. I had asked him: don’t you feel expose? And he said yes of course. I have been hurt. More than once. But he said that is how it is. I was pretty impress that despite hurt and trauma he did not build a wall and was still willing to feel it all. Back in Ottawa (Canada) I didn’t understand but now I do. He is not afraid of emotional pain. He is not afraid of feeling the pain. What a strength. Specially for a man in our society. At the yoga session yesterday we finish the class with a 2 minute silent meditation. During that time I felt in my chest like a slight shake like if my chest wall was slowly fading and dissolving into small sand particles. I am feeling sadness today and I am so grateful for it. I know it is temporary but it will be liberating.

If you pay attention to life it will send you messages or signs or people so you can learn on them first and than apply it to yourself. That’s how it works for me anyways and how I have seen it work for others as well (if you are open to look at it and be mindful of the signs). I had this need to hang out with that friend before I left. And now I understand why. Having spent time with him before leaving makes today so much easier for me. It’s like I had been expose to someone who was living without walls and now I was able to live it for myself. 

The journey had begun the day I decided I would be leaving for this journey. Feeling so grateful and at the same time giving a wink back to this incredible thing called the flow of life or life synchronicity. 

Val : )

You may also like...

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *